Twice the heart.

This post is going to be a response and reflection on something that's happened recently and has greatly affected me, very personally. I'm responding to an incident, involving specific people, and personal details that will not likely be shared on this public outlet. I've waited a few weeks to write about this, because of what I want this post to do. I don't want it to be an emotional rant. I don't want it to serve as fuel for gossip or source for discourse in any way. I don't want to passively attack anyone, or give any details that would lead to this thing being resurrected. I don't want this post to be about the event at all. I want it to be about what I've learned, and how I've grown, which is more alike to the emerging theme of this blog. Honestly, at the moment, I'm doubting whether or not I'm actually going to post this. But I feel the need to share what the Lord has been doing in my heart, because it really is a new, beautiful thing. It isn't finished yet, but it has started well.

All I'm going to say concerning the background of this situation is this: choices were made, the truth was too slow to being told, and I ended up with a heartbreak. It was hard. I had chosen to walk in pursuit of a thing that the Lord had not blessed, and while I wasn't blatantly ignoring or refusing His guidance, I wasn't putting any particular effort into hearing/acting upon it. Looking back, I can see what He was trying to tell me. I can see that He was gently trying to reveal things to me, but frankly, I just wasn't paying attention. Am I blaming myself for getting hurt? No. But I'm learning something.

If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.
-Galatians 5:25

I'm learning just how valuable and precious it is that the Lord has given us the Holy Spirit to guide us in each day. All I have to do is ask, and seek Him out. I'm also learning that in the midst of heartache that could have been avoided, He's still there to lift me up. He is so faithful. 

I've learned something else as well: sometimes you have to be bigger than the hurt. Sometimes, you have to put aside the brokenness and be the Christian that is needed of you. It made me think of a (my very favorite) song from Needtobreathe:

The more you take, the less you have
Cause it's you in the mirror that's staring back
Quick to let go, slow to react
Be more heart, and less attack

Ever-growing, steadfast
And if need be, the one that's in the gap
Be the never turning back
Twice the heart any man could have

If I think about it that way, I did need to have twice the heart. One was broken, but I needed to use the other one to love. I still needed to be Christ, even though it fought against everything that was going on in my head. I wanted so badly to act on my anger and hurt, but I knew that I would regret it. It was so beyond my strength to be light and love, I knew that it had to be grace. But I prayed for the ability to be who I needed to be, and God gave me what I needed. He's still giving me the grace. It's still hard, but God is bigger.  And I hope that by the end of this, I'm a bigger person too. I hope that this increases my ability to handle life. I hope that God can use this. 

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